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[tw]: eating disorders, fatphobia

Talking to/reading about skinny people with eating disorders is one of the hardest things in the world for me.  Because even though most of it is projected towards themselves, there is so fucking much fatphobia that I always end up feeling like shit (obvs not every skinny person with an ED is like this, I'm just speaking about my own experiences.)  And, like, I totally get it, because I had/have bouts of extreme internalized fatphobia too, but there's something that just really gets me about when skinny people say the same things.  It's as though my body is what they're most afraid of, as if they're saying "oh my gosh, looking like you is the worst thing I can imagine!  If I eat this cupcake it's one step closer to looking like that fat pig!"  I hear people say the most vile things to themselves about how fat they are/are going to be, but it's so fucking hard to take in because THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY FAT, so even though they are speaking to themselves they are really talking to me, they are really hating on all fat people.  and when I even get close to bringing things like this up people tell me I need to stop shaming people with eating disorders.  I mean, fucking hello, I have an ED also, FAT PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS EXIST.  I'M RIGHT FUCKING HERE (which is also how I feel when I hear people talking about how disgusting being fat is.)  and it's just so god damn hard, because I KNOW that skinny-envy is a super real experience, and the last thing I want to do is invalidate someone's experience of their own fucking body, but I also don't want to end up feeling like shit either.  and why do I never see internet conversations about how these things are so inherently connected?!  I don't know what to read or who to talk to for advice about this, I don't know how skinny people who think they're fat can be educated about their own thin privilege?

These are just thoughts that I'm trying to sort out in my own head, and trying to make sense of.  I don't know how I feel about all this.
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May 2012

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