witcheart: (Default)
[personal profile] witcheart
My posts here are probably going to be really boring because I think I'm just using this for when I don't have access to my book-journal or typing feels preferable to writing.  So that means less of emotional breakdowns and more of the mundane things that go on in my life when I feel stable.

Went to Mission Creek Park this morning and gathered a bunch of Red Cedar (Thuja plicata) leaves and Hawthorn (Crataegus douglasii) berries that were all over the ground from the storm a few weeks ago.  Wandered around the east side to some places I had never been before, and stumbled upon this fieldy swampy farmy area?  There were cat tails and these trees with little, white, fuzzy buds, and snowflake flowers, and all the plants were growing in water or right next to it, but were really dry plants, it was really confusing.  Made myself a little bouquet of the weird plants.  Eventually found my way back to an area I knew and went on the swings at Bigelow park, got back downtown and got Thai food (fresh spring rolls with peanut sauce and a crepe thing with vegetables and tofu.)  Processed the plants I gathered, tinctured the Red Cedar and hung some up to dry and burn as incense later, and made syrup with Hawthorn (which, yum, now it will feel even more like a big hug.)  Cooked and proceeded to eat a vegan tempeh reuban sandwich.  How do people eat sandwiches?  I seriously feel like I either have an extremely small mouth or am just missing something, I always have to use a fork and knife.  Still delicious though.  I wonder what this would look like if I hadn't corrected all my spelling mistakes.

Even though when going back over what I did today it seems super productive, I still fell like I spent most of the day doing nothing because I also spent a good amount of time fucking around on the computer to turn my brain off.  and I don't know how I feel about this pressure I put on myself to be productive, because even though it's a desire to be productive "on my terms," it's still buying into this idea that there is a right way to spend my time.  I think the problem is more that there are things that I want to do, but am emotionally unable to do because I cannot handle being present in my body for long periods of time.  Either way, this all just means that I need to be more gentle with myself because, as I say over and over but never seem to learn, healing takes time.

on 2012-02-05 04:02 pm (UTC)
tunatree: (007)
Posted by [personal profile] tunatree
For the record, I find your posts super-interesting! And yeah, I mean, from a superficial outsider point of view, it seems like you're really getting a lot of stuff done; I'm sort of inspired! I feel the same way as you (which you mentioned a few days ago) about how I wish I had a car to be able to get out of cityscapes and do things with nature. It's cool that you were able to find a foresty place and collect some plants. I agree that it's definitely a process of trying to feel okay about balancing what you/others see as "productive" pursuits with things that are just relaxing and enjoyable, be it fucking around on the computer or whatever. You're awesome!

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witcheart

May 2012

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