Fuuuck, I am reading the wall-to-wall of me and a friend on facebook. From 2009. I am saying some of the most fucking terrible things ever, and I cannot believe what a shitbag I am. Joking about child physical abuse, using the term "pussies" in a derogatory way, JOKING ABOUT RAPE?!, and being super manipulative/condescending to my friend. Although, I did come up with the brilliant nickname Norranarchy, and did some minor gender fuckery.
Anyway, overall, I am super grossed-out and terrified of who I was a couple years ago. I'm scared to look at what else I might have done and said. On the other hand, it's really important for me to do some self-reflection on the manipulation part at least to see how it expanded into full on emotional abuse by last year. I also need to give myself a fucking break about who I was in high school, because who isn't a shithead then? and when I keep thinking about it, I actually get really hopeful because GOD DAMN I have changed so much, and it is really amazing to see that I am not this static, stuck person that I always think I am. I am malleable, I can see how I've changed in really major ways, and that gives me a lot of hope around changing the even deeper-rooted abusive tendencies I've had. It also reminds me that there was a time when I was at least surface-level happy sometimes, although it was when I was ignorant to oppression, and had all the trauma repressed to perfection. I don't know, maybe I still am surface level happy sometimes, I feel it when I laugh. Since I've been around people a lot less often, I've been laughing a lot less often than I used to, and it's become a lot more meaningful and special to me.
Point is, it's hard for me to remember how flexible my being really is, it's hard for me to remember that things can be different than they are for me at any given instant, but when I read things I've written in the past I know it must be true. and it gives me hope. and that's pretty much what I'm living for right now.