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+Made/ate some delicious sushi today: tempeh w/ veganaise, sesame oil & seeds, garlic, scallions, and avocado.  Also, now I have food that I can easily take with me to school so I'll actually eat something before 6pm.

+Sibyl and I finaaaalllyyyy got an apartment to approve us!  Moving in a week!  Aaaahh!  Surprised!  Excited!  Overwhelmed!  It's super close to Evergreen, on a busline that goes downtown, has ponds! with ducks!, space for me to garden, and is surrounded by woods.  It's also hella cheap, and everything's just be re-done because apparently the last tenant destroyed the place.  ~Fancy livin'~  I just can't wait to live somewhere that is not in between a place called The Big Whiskey Saloon ('nuff said) and a place that constantly blasts Eminem or 70's metal.

+Feeling motivated!  Feeling inspired!  The weather is so nice out and I want to bike and walk in the woods and have dance parties and paint and go swimming! 

+/-Even though I'm so excited about spring and want to do all sorts of things, it's still so hard to actually get myself out of bed to do them.  I miiissss fuunnnnn.  It's hard (impossible?) to remember that my life is more than just the aftermath of trauma.  Though, I'm finally actually getting legitimate support for it (rather than shitty abusive "support.")  I'm starting to actually work with my therapist on dealing with what's happened to me and reading "Growing Beyond Survival" and "The PTSD Workbook" which have lots of writing/art exercises too.  Also!  I submitted a screening to this survivor support collective a while ago and got in/have been going to meetings for that, and it's other folks that know about oppression which is really awesome.  I can like, see myself getting more open and vulnerable which is pretty damn incredible, I'm finally seeing ways that working on myself is actually paying off (rather that just getting to a baseline of not abusing people.)  Also, the Icarus Project is finally starting up a support group again, it's kind of incredible realizing how much support is in my life right now.

-Things aren't as peachy keen as that last bullet made it seem though-- I'm just writing this post while I'm really optimistic, and my life is still pretty much shit I think, I just don't want to think about it.  Which, in some ways is like cool, because I'm not having constant panic attacks, but also I'm pushing away things I need to deal with.  Whatever, I'm happy right now.

+/-I have a cruuusssshhh, and like one that is more ~real~ than me crushing on my professors (which like, in a nutshell is just based around them being people interested in the same things as me, who also have power/authority over me), or like all the crushes I've had on acquaintances recently.  I'm crushing on someone I used to be partners with and I though that had passed and we could just be friends, and it's so weird and I want it to go away!  I mean, I love the intoxication of crushes, but in a really toxic way I don't know.  I'm angry at a lot of my emotions right now.  I hate my crushy feelings and my jealousy and my ressentiment and I hate that I suppress all of them instead of dealing with them!  But I am kind of starting to try at least, I need to be more tender with myself.  My therapist let me borrow her copy of "Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life" and it talks about re-framing things like jealousy & depression.

+/-The program I'm taking this quarter is so awesome!  It's called Resistance and Social Change: Critical Readings in African American and Latin@ literature.  So I'm basically just reading/analyzing a bunch of novels that deal with oppression/survival/resistance/cultural loss & commodification/etc.  I haven't read fiction for so long and I feel like it might be really healing and great to be doing this instead of reading a bunch of theory and research studies.  I'm really anxious about creative writing stuff though, I honestly might just refuse to do it or like, try to get a therapist to diagnose me with something and write ADA a letter saying I can't do creative writing.  I'm have no idea why but I have panic attacks just thinking about it.

-How ridiculous is it that with all these awesome things going on in my life I'm still a lazy jerk that can't get out of bed most of the time though?  ugh.
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Auugh, it's been months since I've blogged, I feel like I've forgotten how. At least this site is set up just like livejournal so I don't have to adjust to a new format. My life is kind of a mess right now, and hopefully blogging about that can help me stabilize a little. It's the end of the quarter and I was supposedly doing an independent study project (my college is super "progressive" and "alternative"), but I mostly blew it off to travel around the south with my friend and be depressed. All of that's catching up to me now as I try cram a quarters worth of work into a few days.

Once I finish this work and my professor evaluates it, I'm going to focus all my energy onto self-care and preparing to be in a class with actual people in it again (haaay social anxiety, I've successfully avoided you for a while, but I'm gonna be ready to deal with you.) Hence, lists! Things I want to accomplish over winter break:
-read Wicked by Gregory McGuire
-drink tea every day
-get into the woods
-don't finish season three of Charmed (trying to limit my TV binges)
-bake lots of delicious vegan pumpkin desserts
-journal about the repressed memories that have been coming up
-cut hair
-fix curtain
-buy candles
-print some of E's flyers for Icarus Project and put them up around campus and downtown
-write some New Year's Resolutions that you'll actually stick to
-congratulate yrself for surviving another year

Okay, maybe this is kind of ambitious, but telling the internet about it, and even just getting it out of my head will help me stick to it. I do not want to feel like I'm exploding with stress on the first day of class (probably unavoidable even if I do finish this list...)

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May 2012

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