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+Made/ate some delicious sushi today: tempeh w/ veganaise, sesame oil & seeds, garlic, scallions, and avocado.  Also, now I have food that I can easily take with me to school so I'll actually eat something before 6pm.

+Sibyl and I finaaaalllyyyy got an apartment to approve us!  Moving in a week!  Aaaahh!  Surprised!  Excited!  Overwhelmed!  It's super close to Evergreen, on a busline that goes downtown, has ponds! with ducks!, space for me to garden, and is surrounded by woods.  It's also hella cheap, and everything's just be re-done because apparently the last tenant destroyed the place.  ~Fancy livin'~  I just can't wait to live somewhere that is not in between a place called The Big Whiskey Saloon ('nuff said) and a place that constantly blasts Eminem or 70's metal.

+Feeling motivated!  Feeling inspired!  The weather is so nice out and I want to bike and walk in the woods and have dance parties and paint and go swimming! 

+/-Even though I'm so excited about spring and want to do all sorts of things, it's still so hard to actually get myself out of bed to do them.  I miiissss fuunnnnn.  It's hard (impossible?) to remember that my life is more than just the aftermath of trauma.  Though, I'm finally actually getting legitimate support for it (rather than shitty abusive "support.")  I'm starting to actually work with my therapist on dealing with what's happened to me and reading "Growing Beyond Survival" and "The PTSD Workbook" which have lots of writing/art exercises too.  Also!  I submitted a screening to this survivor support collective a while ago and got in/have been going to meetings for that, and it's other folks that know about oppression which is really awesome.  I can like, see myself getting more open and vulnerable which is pretty damn incredible, I'm finally seeing ways that working on myself is actually paying off (rather that just getting to a baseline of not abusing people.)  Also, the Icarus Project is finally starting up a support group again, it's kind of incredible realizing how much support is in my life right now.

-Things aren't as peachy keen as that last bullet made it seem though-- I'm just writing this post while I'm really optimistic, and my life is still pretty much shit I think, I just don't want to think about it.  Which, in some ways is like cool, because I'm not having constant panic attacks, but also I'm pushing away things I need to deal with.  Whatever, I'm happy right now.

+/-I have a cruuusssshhh, and like one that is more ~real~ than me crushing on my professors (which like, in a nutshell is just based around them being people interested in the same things as me, who also have power/authority over me), or like all the crushes I've had on acquaintances recently.  I'm crushing on someone I used to be partners with and I though that had passed and we could just be friends, and it's so weird and I want it to go away!  I mean, I love the intoxication of crushes, but in a really toxic way I don't know.  I'm angry at a lot of my emotions right now.  I hate my crushy feelings and my jealousy and my ressentiment and I hate that I suppress all of them instead of dealing with them!  But I am kind of starting to try at least, I need to be more tender with myself.  My therapist let me borrow her copy of "Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life" and it talks about re-framing things like jealousy & depression.

+/-The program I'm taking this quarter is so awesome!  It's called Resistance and Social Change: Critical Readings in African American and Latin@ literature.  So I'm basically just reading/analyzing a bunch of novels that deal with oppression/survival/resistance/cultural loss & commodification/etc.  I haven't read fiction for so long and I feel like it might be really healing and great to be doing this instead of reading a bunch of theory and research studies.  I'm really anxious about creative writing stuff though, I honestly might just refuse to do it or like, try to get a therapist to diagnose me with something and write ADA a letter saying I can't do creative writing.  I'm have no idea why but I have panic attacks just thinking about it.

-How ridiculous is it that with all these awesome things going on in my life I'm still a lazy jerk that can't get out of bed most of the time though?  ugh.
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Got all my credits for my fall quarter project, survived being home for a few days, a deposition, a phone call with my dad, and even had a kind of okay-- maybe even good-- time seeing my friends. Yeah, what's that about? Gray had a $25 coupon to Everlasting Life (greatest vegan soul food ever), that's what that's about. Also I got to see only people that I actually liked, when usually I end up hanging out with a bunch of the jerks my friends buy drugs from. I did have to be around this one awful, greasy, skinny, artsy-stoner-bro-kid (who, sidenote, called my friend a fag a total of five times.) He's totally the type that used to make me swooooon, and now just makes me want to vomit. Ever heard of the "manic pixie dream girl" trope (the name might be kind of ableist, I think. It also totally describes my experiences with these art-bros.) Like, the goofy, ridiculous, happy-go-lucky girls who are just in a romantic comedy (see only exist because they need) to pull the SUPER SERIOUS ARTISTIC DEPRESSED DUDE out of his slump (see Garden State, 500 Days of Summer, Elizabethtown, etc.), which WEIRDLY is totally the role I played with a lot of ex-crushes and boyfriend-type things, and was probably some sort of coping mechanism to not deal with my own shit. It ended up in gross co-dependent relationships with super manipulative, misogynist, jerkfaces who didn't give a shit about me and just latched onto me for whothefuckknowswhat, an ego boost? Anyway, seeing this new greasebag brought me right back to all those feelings, and even though I wanted to vomit, I also desperately wanted his attention, and wanted to help him with whatever problems he might manipulate me into taking on, and felt fat and ugly and gross, and why the fuck am I wearing nice clothes? I am fat and ugly and have no right to be dressed nice. Luckily, I was able to kind of snap out of those terrible old thought patterns enough to call him a jerk and yell at him "CLOVE. LIKE A GARLIC CLOVE. C-L-O-V-E." when he questioned me about my "weird name." ugh. It's weird though, thinking back on that, because I haven't felt "that kind" of fat for a long time, the kind of fat where I'm EMBARRASSED to be fat, where I feel like I'm not entitled to EXIST because I'm fat, where it's something I think I can hide from people, and they won't notice because I meticulously position my body in particular ways and only wear super "flattering" clothes, and don't take up too much space. WHAT. That hasn't been me for so long, well, that hasn't been me for a few months, but it was me for almost eighteen years prior, so. I can't beeeelive "hiding" the fact that I was fat is something I ever tried to do, I mean HELLO, it's pretty fucking obvious, the people who fucked you, they noticed. Even though you insisted on having the lights off, being under the covers, and keeping as much clothing on as possible. uhh, yeah, they still knew you were fat. and guess what? They still liked you. Okay, it was usually in an awful, rape-y, yr lucky to have me way, but at least my fat wasn't so repulsive that they couldn't touch me. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN?! I have been so happy and loving and proud of being fat (despite being usually dissociated from my body) recently. It's probably because or bro-dude, and all the fat hate from my friends, and my mom telling me to eat less, and going to the freaking doctor today. So, okay, it MAKES SENSE that I'm thinking like this, I just hate hate hate it and don't want to ever feel like that about my body.

Also, how do you say I think yr the cutest to someone who haven't talked to in a few months, besides them liking all of yr facebook statuses? I feel too emotionally unstable for crushes and I want them to go away.


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May 2012

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