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If you make fun of Taylor Swift's "Mean" we are no longer friends, and yr probably a big ole' victim-blamey jerk.  Also, it's sure sign I'm not doing well and am still being abused when I feel the need to listen to this song on repeat.  Fuck.

ETA: This is totally not to excuse T.Swift's awful gross oppressiveness, she knows what's up with emotional abuse though.
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+Made/ate some delicious sushi today: tempeh w/ veganaise, sesame oil & seeds, garlic, scallions, and avocado.  Also, now I have food that I can easily take with me to school so I'll actually eat something before 6pm.

+Sibyl and I finaaaalllyyyy got an apartment to approve us!  Moving in a week!  Aaaahh!  Surprised!  Excited!  Overwhelmed!  It's super close to Evergreen, on a busline that goes downtown, has ponds! with ducks!, space for me to garden, and is surrounded by woods.  It's also hella cheap, and everything's just be re-done because apparently the last tenant destroyed the place.  ~Fancy livin'~  I just can't wait to live somewhere that is not in between a place called The Big Whiskey Saloon ('nuff said) and a place that constantly blasts Eminem or 70's metal.

+Feeling motivated!  Feeling inspired!  The weather is so nice out and I want to bike and walk in the woods and have dance parties and paint and go swimming! 

+/-Even though I'm so excited about spring and want to do all sorts of things, it's still so hard to actually get myself out of bed to do them.  I miiissss fuunnnnn.  It's hard (impossible?) to remember that my life is more than just the aftermath of trauma.  Though, I'm finally actually getting legitimate support for it (rather than shitty abusive "support.")  I'm starting to actually work with my therapist on dealing with what's happened to me and reading "Growing Beyond Survival" and "The PTSD Workbook" which have lots of writing/art exercises too.  Also!  I submitted a screening to this survivor support collective a while ago and got in/have been going to meetings for that, and it's other folks that know about oppression which is really awesome.  I can like, see myself getting more open and vulnerable which is pretty damn incredible, I'm finally seeing ways that working on myself is actually paying off (rather that just getting to a baseline of not abusing people.)  Also, the Icarus Project is finally starting up a support group again, it's kind of incredible realizing how much support is in my life right now.

-Things aren't as peachy keen as that last bullet made it seem though-- I'm just writing this post while I'm really optimistic, and my life is still pretty much shit I think, I just don't want to think about it.  Which, in some ways is like cool, because I'm not having constant panic attacks, but also I'm pushing away things I need to deal with.  Whatever, I'm happy right now.

+/-I have a cruuusssshhh, and like one that is more ~real~ than me crushing on my professors (which like, in a nutshell is just based around them being people interested in the same things as me, who also have power/authority over me), or like all the crushes I've had on acquaintances recently.  I'm crushing on someone I used to be partners with and I though that had passed and we could just be friends, and it's so weird and I want it to go away!  I mean, I love the intoxication of crushes, but in a really toxic way I don't know.  I'm angry at a lot of my emotions right now.  I hate my crushy feelings and my jealousy and my ressentiment and I hate that I suppress all of them instead of dealing with them!  But I am kind of starting to try at least, I need to be more tender with myself.  My therapist let me borrow her copy of "Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life" and it talks about re-framing things like jealousy & depression.

+/-The program I'm taking this quarter is so awesome!  It's called Resistance and Social Change: Critical Readings in African American and Latin@ literature.  So I'm basically just reading/analyzing a bunch of novels that deal with oppression/survival/resistance/cultural loss & commodification/etc.  I haven't read fiction for so long and I feel like it might be really healing and great to be doing this instead of reading a bunch of theory and research studies.  I'm really anxious about creative writing stuff though, I honestly might just refuse to do it or like, try to get a therapist to diagnose me with something and write ADA a letter saying I can't do creative writing.  I'm have no idea why but I have panic attacks just thinking about it.

-How ridiculous is it that with all these awesome things going on in my life I'm still a lazy jerk that can't get out of bed most of the time though?  ugh.
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trigger warning for surgery, bodies being cut open and blood and stuff

Holy shit, top surgery videos on youtube is a thing that exists.  Ugh I have all sorts of thoughts and feelings about this re: technology and tools of surgery (forks & knives)//transhumanism and monstrosity//surgeons vs. serial killers desire//bodies of human vs. non-human animals//disgust as a visceral reaction//"body vs. mind"//externalization of body fat that I can't articulate beyond that for now, but for now here is a video if you wanna watch something really fucking cool:

P.S. - Shit, if I ever get top surgery, I don't want to wake up for weeks after oh my gooood.

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ugh, I swear Y Lime? has consistently proved to know my emotions/life better than I do over the past three years.  A real post will be coming soon, but for now here's song lyrics since I can't find a video of this on youtube.

"let's do something destructive
so i forget the real sources of my sadness
i put band-aids on deep gashes to cover the past
but these wounds won't truly heal
now i pop a blue pill in the morning
and i smoke weed in the evening
leaving only my dreams to make me feel like hell
well i fell in love with another boy
another boy who will never treat me like he should
but being trampled and manipulated
makes even the slightly bad feel good
now each kiss you plant upon my lips
feels like poison, but i'll take it anyway
you see the world in tiny dots
each human being has a head of rocks
you live as thought you're surrounded by monsters
and i have no doubt that you are
but maybe it could get better
i swear i see some sunlight in your smile
oh you seem so far away
you are a dream, you keep me sane
you star in fantasies that i create
to block uncomfortable pain
you are a god, i am a child
i'm sitting outside in the rain
when i close my eyes
i see both of us lying in your bed
my mother cried on the telephone
but i'm to numb to sympathize
please just leave me alone
and i can't remember anything
cause i tend to always over-think
and live in alternative realities and daydreams
well take me with you when you go
i can't say here i need your ghost
you're the physical manifestation of my misery
oh you seem so far away
you are a dream, you keep me sane
you star in fantasies that i create
to block out uncomfortable pain
you are a god, i am a child
i'm sitting outside in the rain
when i close my eyes
i see both of us lying in your bed"
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Just deleted my rapist from facebook.  -siiiiiigh of anxiety and relief-  Last time I did this was a year ago and I got a bunch of angry/terrifying texts and phone calls and voice messages, which I don't think will happen this time (last time it was right after me publicly calling him a rapist, this time I don't think he'll even notice.)  I've given up on trying to hold him accountable, I've given up on trying to get my friends from back home to give a fuck, and god damn, I don't need to see how all of them love him, and how he's dating ANOTHER one of my friends, and how he just bought himself a fucking car.

I'm done I'm done I'm done.

I'm dying my hair red (brown red, not like bright red.)  Body modifications, even small ones like this, have been super important to me since middle school.  It's part of a process of regeneration, it's a cathartic purity ritual that helps me feel like I have a chance at a fresh start, helps me feel like I can make change in my life and heal old wounds that won't stay closed, and the new ones that form every day.  Even after defending these processes for years and years (to my mom and ~special snowflake~ haters) I still don't really have the words to articulate what it means to me, except that I'm doing it and it makes me feel better.
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My posts here are probably going to be really boring because I think I'm just using this for when I don't have access to my book-journal or typing feels preferable to writing.  So that means less of emotional breakdowns and more of the mundane things that go on in my life when I feel stable.

Went to Mission Creek Park this morning and gathered a bunch of Red Cedar (Thuja plicata) leaves and Hawthorn (Crataegus douglasii) berries that were all over the ground from the storm a few weeks ago.  Wandered around the east side to some places I had never been before, and stumbled upon this fieldy swampy farmy area?  There were cat tails and these trees with little, white, fuzzy buds, and snowflake flowers, and all the plants were growing in water or right next to it, but were really dry plants, it was really confusing.  Made myself a little bouquet of the weird plants.  Eventually found my way back to an area I knew and went on the swings at Bigelow park, got back downtown and got Thai food (fresh spring rolls with peanut sauce and a crepe thing with vegetables and tofu.)  Processed the plants I gathered, tinctured the Red Cedar and hung some up to dry and burn as incense later, and made syrup with Hawthorn (which, yum, now it will feel even more like a big hug.)  Cooked and proceeded to eat a vegan tempeh reuban sandwich.  How do people eat sandwiches?  I seriously feel like I either have an extremely small mouth or am just missing something, I always have to use a fork and knife.  Still delicious though.  I wonder what this would look like if I hadn't corrected all my spelling mistakes.

Even though when going back over what I did today it seems super productive, I still fell like I spent most of the day doing nothing because I also spent a good amount of time fucking around on the computer to turn my brain off.  and I don't know how I feel about this pressure I put on myself to be productive, because even though it's a desire to be productive "on my terms," it's still buying into this idea that there is a right way to spend my time.  I think the problem is more that there are things that I want to do, but am emotionally unable to do because I cannot handle being present in my body for long periods of time.  Either way, this all just means that I need to be more gentle with myself because, as I say over and over but never seem to learn, healing takes time.
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[tw]: eating disorders, fatphobia

Talking to/reading about skinny people with eating disorders is one of the hardest things in the world for me.  Because even though most of it is projected towards themselves, there is so fucking much fatphobia that I always end up feeling like shit (obvs not every skinny person with an ED is like this, I'm just speaking about my own experiences.)  And, like, I totally get it, because I had/have bouts of extreme internalized fatphobia too, but there's something that just really gets me about when skinny people say the same things.  It's as though my body is what they're most afraid of, as if they're saying "oh my gosh, looking like you is the worst thing I can imagine!  If I eat this cupcake it's one step closer to looking like that fat pig!"  I hear people say the most vile things to themselves about how fat they are/are going to be, but it's so fucking hard to take in because THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY FAT, so even though they are speaking to themselves they are really talking to me, they are really hating on all fat people.  and when I even get close to bringing things like this up people tell me I need to stop shaming people with eating disorders.  I mean, fucking hello, I have an ED also, FAT PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS EXIST.  I'M RIGHT FUCKING HERE (which is also how I feel when I hear people talking about how disgusting being fat is.)  and it's just so god damn hard, because I KNOW that skinny-envy is a super real experience, and the last thing I want to do is invalidate someone's experience of their own fucking body, but I also don't want to end up feeling like shit either.  and why do I never see internet conversations about how these things are so inherently connected?!  I don't know what to read or who to talk to for advice about this, I don't know how skinny people who think they're fat can be educated about their own thin privilege?

These are just thoughts that I'm trying to sort out in my own head, and trying to make sense of.  I don't know how I feel about all this.
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Fuuuck, I am reading the wall-to-wall of me and a friend on facebook.  From 2009.  I am saying some of the most fucking terrible things ever, and I cannot believe what a shitbag I am.  Joking about child physical abuse, using the term "pussies" in a derogatory way, JOKING ABOUT RAPE?!, and being super manipulative/condescending to my friend.  Although, I did come up with the brilliant nickname Norranarchy, and did some minor gender fuckery.

Anyway, overall, I am super grossed-out and terrified of who I was a couple years ago.  I'm scared to look at what else I might have done and said.  On the other hand, it's really important for me to do some self-reflection on the manipulation part at least to see how it expanded into full on emotional abuse by last year.  I also need to give myself a fucking break about who I was in high school, because who isn't a shithead then?  and when I keep thinking about it, I actually get really hopeful because GOD DAMN I have changed so much, and it is really amazing to see that I am not this static, stuck person that I always think I am.  I am malleable, I can see how I've changed in really major ways, and that gives me a lot of hope around changing the even deeper-rooted abusive tendencies I've had.  It also reminds me that there was a time when I was at least surface-level happy sometimes, although it was when I was ignorant to oppression, and had all the trauma repressed to perfection.  I don't know, maybe I still am surface level happy sometimes, I feel it when I laugh.  Since I've been around people a lot less often, I've been laughing a lot less often than I used to, and it's become a lot more meaningful and special to me.

Point is, it's hard for me to remember how flexible my being really is, it's hard for me to remember that things can be different than they are for me at any given instant, but when I read things I've written in the past I know it must be true.  and it gives me hope.  and that's pretty much what I'm living for right now.
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Got all my credits for my fall quarter project, survived being home for a few days, a deposition, a phone call with my dad, and even had a kind of okay-- maybe even good-- time seeing my friends. Yeah, what's that about? Gray had a $25 coupon to Everlasting Life (greatest vegan soul food ever), that's what that's about. Also I got to see only people that I actually liked, when usually I end up hanging out with a bunch of the jerks my friends buy drugs from. I did have to be around this one awful, greasy, skinny, artsy-stoner-bro-kid (who, sidenote, called my friend a fag a total of five times.) He's totally the type that used to make me swooooon, and now just makes me want to vomit. Ever heard of the "manic pixie dream girl" trope (the name might be kind of ableist, I think. It also totally describes my experiences with these art-bros.) Like, the goofy, ridiculous, happy-go-lucky girls who are just in a romantic comedy (see only exist because they need) to pull the SUPER SERIOUS ARTISTIC DEPRESSED DUDE out of his slump (see Garden State, 500 Days of Summer, Elizabethtown, etc.), which WEIRDLY is totally the role I played with a lot of ex-crushes and boyfriend-type things, and was probably some sort of coping mechanism to not deal with my own shit. It ended up in gross co-dependent relationships with super manipulative, misogynist, jerkfaces who didn't give a shit about me and just latched onto me for whothefuckknowswhat, an ego boost? Anyway, seeing this new greasebag brought me right back to all those feelings, and even though I wanted to vomit, I also desperately wanted his attention, and wanted to help him with whatever problems he might manipulate me into taking on, and felt fat and ugly and gross, and why the fuck am I wearing nice clothes? I am fat and ugly and have no right to be dressed nice. Luckily, I was able to kind of snap out of those terrible old thought patterns enough to call him a jerk and yell at him "CLOVE. LIKE A GARLIC CLOVE. C-L-O-V-E." when he questioned me about my "weird name." ugh. It's weird though, thinking back on that, because I haven't felt "that kind" of fat for a long time, the kind of fat where I'm EMBARRASSED to be fat, where I feel like I'm not entitled to EXIST because I'm fat, where it's something I think I can hide from people, and they won't notice because I meticulously position my body in particular ways and only wear super "flattering" clothes, and don't take up too much space. WHAT. That hasn't been me for so long, well, that hasn't been me for a few months, but it was me for almost eighteen years prior, so. I can't beeeelive "hiding" the fact that I was fat is something I ever tried to do, I mean HELLO, it's pretty fucking obvious, the people who fucked you, they noticed. Even though you insisted on having the lights off, being under the covers, and keeping as much clothing on as possible. uhh, yeah, they still knew you were fat. and guess what? They still liked you. Okay, it was usually in an awful, rape-y, yr lucky to have me way, but at least my fat wasn't so repulsive that they couldn't touch me. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH MY BRAIN?! I have been so happy and loving and proud of being fat (despite being usually dissociated from my body) recently. It's probably because or bro-dude, and all the fat hate from my friends, and my mom telling me to eat less, and going to the freaking doctor today. So, okay, it MAKES SENSE that I'm thinking like this, I just hate hate hate it and don't want to ever feel like that about my body.

Also, how do you say I think yr the cutest to someone who haven't talked to in a few months, besides them liking all of yr facebook statuses? I feel too emotionally unstable for crushes and I want them to go away.
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Auugh, it's been months since I've blogged, I feel like I've forgotten how. At least this site is set up just like livejournal so I don't have to adjust to a new format. My life is kind of a mess right now, and hopefully blogging about that can help me stabilize a little. It's the end of the quarter and I was supposedly doing an independent study project (my college is super "progressive" and "alternative"), but I mostly blew it off to travel around the south with my friend and be depressed. All of that's catching up to me now as I try cram a quarters worth of work into a few days.

Once I finish this work and my professor evaluates it, I'm going to focus all my energy onto self-care and preparing to be in a class with actual people in it again (haaay social anxiety, I've successfully avoided you for a while, but I'm gonna be ready to deal with you.) Hence, lists! Things I want to accomplish over winter break:
-read Wicked by Gregory McGuire
-drink tea every day
-get into the woods
-don't finish season three of Charmed (trying to limit my TV binges)
-bake lots of delicious vegan pumpkin desserts
-journal about the repressed memories that have been coming up
-cut hair
-fix curtain
-buy candles
-print some of E's flyers for Icarus Project and put them up around campus and downtown
-write some New Year's Resolutions that you'll actually stick to
-congratulate yrself for surviving another year

Okay, maybe this is kind of ambitious, but telling the internet about it, and even just getting it out of my head will help me stick to it. I do not want to feel like I'm exploding with stress on the first day of class (probably unavoidable even if I do finish this list...)


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May 2012

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